Margot Torossian

Understanding Freeze Responses, Shame, and the Path to Repair

You’re in bed with someone you care about. You want to feel close. You want to be present. Sometimes, however, conditions like vaginismus can unexpectedly disrupt these moments. These conditions have a psychological root.
Your body goes still.
You freeze.
And just like that, the voice creeps in and says:

“Why can’t I just enjoy this?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I’m ruining everything.”

This voice isn’t new. It’s the inner critic. And it often appears when your body responds in ways that don’t make sense to you, especially during sex.
Let’s get one thing clear from the start: freezing during sex is not a failure. It’s a nervous system response. Furthermore, the shame that follows isn’t your fault either.

Your Body Reads for Safety Not Just Pleasure

During partnered sex, your body does more than respond to sensation. It’s constantly scanning for safety in every moment.
This includes:

• Physical safety (Am I okay in this space?)
• Emotional safety (Do I feel seen, heard, and emotionally held?)
• Relational safety (Do I feel respected and attuned to?)

Even when you want to connect, your body may register something that doesn’t feel quite right. That’s when the freeze response can kick in.

Importantly, this isn’t a decision you make. It’s an automatic response, your body’s built-in system to shut down and protect you.

You might notice:

• Numbness or loss of sensation
• A sudden emotional shutdown
• Feeling distant or “out of it”
• Disconnection from the moment
• Lack of sensations and pleasure

These reactions are often misunderstood, especially by the inner critic. Without context, it mistakenly assumes something is wrong with you. In truth, your body is doing something very wise, it’s guiding you away from what doesn’t work into things that do, for instance, different movement and locus of focus.

Why the Inner Critic Blames You

The inner critic doesn’t speak the language of the nervous system.
It operates from fear, not compassion.
Often, it was shaped by:

• Perfectionism
• Early relational wounds
• Cultural or family messages about how sex “should” work
• A history of being shamed for having needs or limits

When the body disconnects, the critic steps in to explain the discomfort. Unfortunately, its explanation usually sounds like this: “You’re broken. You’re too sensitive. You’re ruining the moment.”

Instead of recognizing a nervous system response, it shames you for not matching an idealized version of how sex is supposed to look or feel.

However, what sounds like judgment is actually an attempt to protect you from rejection, from loss, from the pain of not feeling “enough.” Even your inner critic is trying, in its way, to keep you safe.

A First Step Toward Repair

Here’s one practice that can begin to shift the story.

Next time you notice yourself freeze, try placing a hand over your chest, your pelvis, or anywhere that feels safe. Then say to yourself: “I’m not broken. My body is protecting and guiding me.”

This simple moment of acknowledgment interrupts the spiral of shame. It offers your nervous system something it rarely receives in these moments: recognition and care.

Rather than pushing through or pretending, you offer your body what it most needs, attunement and permission to soften and slow down.

You Deserve a New Story

Your body is not the problem. It’s the messenger.
Understanding that changes everything.

With the right support, you can learn to interpret your body’s signals with more clarity and less fear. You can replace shame with self-trust. And over time, you can build new patterns of connection that feel safer, slower, and more grounded.

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. You’re human with a nervous system doing its best to keep you safe.

Want grounded, shame-free support?

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📍 Inspire Counseling Center
911 Church St., Evanston, IL 60201
📩 margot.torossian@inspirecounselingcenter.com
📞 (847) 919-9096 ext. 1

Call or email me if you would like to connect.