In many relationships, both in the early and late stages, people often rely on a kind of unspoken script. It starts with gestures that are socially acceptable and safe, such as holding hands, leaning in slightly, perhaps a kiss at the end of an evening. For some, these gestures follow a predictable path: more touching, longer kisses, and eventually, sex. Sometimes there’s even a slightly humorous ritual to it, like waiting until the elevator doors close to land that first kiss.
This “script” can provide structure and security. People know what’s expected of them and what signals they should be giving or receiving. But these scripts also assume that everyone agrees on what sex means, how it should unfold, and what counts as intimacy.
The reality is more complex.
People differ, sometimes significantly, in what they want, when they want it, and how they express desire. For one person, kissing might feel deeply intimate and vulnerable. For another, it might feel routine and insignificant. Some people may prefer physical contact early in a relationship; others may need much more emotional safety before they can engage in that way. Some feel excited by spontaneity, others by careful planning.
It’s not uncommon for partners to assume that their own approach is the “normal” one or even the “right” one. When differences arise, it can be easy to interpret them personally. If one partner hesitates or wants something different, the other may feel rejected or undesirable. These feelings can be difficult to talk about, so instead, partners may stay silent, hoping the problem resolves itself, or they may push ahead, hoping the other person will adjust.
Neither approach tends to work well in the long term.
The foundation of a healthy sexual relationship is not just compatibility in desire or preference, but a willingness to talk openly and without defensiveness. This means creating space to ask, “What does sex mean to you?” or “Is there something you’d like more or less of?” and really listening to the answer.
Sometimes, what’s needed is a redefinition of sex, not necessarily less of it, but a version of it that works for both people. That might mean including more emotional intimacy, more time to build arousal, or even rethinking what “counts” as sex. These negotiations are not failures of chemistry or connection. they’re signs of respect and care.
When both partners can speak honestly about their desires and listen calmly to the other’s, it becomes possible to build a sexual relationship that reflects who they truly are, not just what the script says they should be doing.
If you’re feeling out of sync or unsure how to talk about intimacy and desire, you’re not alone. I offer a calm, supportive space to explore these conversations. Book a consultation to start creating a connection that works for both of you.
Email me at margot@cmrchicago.com to set up a free 30 minute consultation or call office to help you set up your sessions: (312) 813-7701
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